I had a dream that I was walking alone through a forest full of beautiful large pine trees. I could tell that it was late autumn by the slight chill in the air. I could hear the squirrels digging for acorns, see the breath of a fawn while it enjoyed it's meal of forage, and I could hear my own heart beating. None of the animals scatter as they see me approach, like as if I am one of them.
I soon realize that I am no where familiar. I continue to walk ahead, but a foggy mist sets in. Softly out in the distance, I can hear a small voice. I speed my walking to see where it is. Then I realize that it is my son calling for me. I begin running calling out his name, but all he says is, "Mama! Mama! Where are you?" I keep running but never reach him. Then I wake.
My heart is heavy....I am fearful...but I have to be strong because no one else can do it for me.
To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
― Christian D. Larson
It caught up to me at work. The pain finally caught up to me to where physically and mentally I could not function. Yesterday was yet another uber busy day at work and I was assisting in a 4.5 hour sedation in an ergonomically odd position the entire time. By the time hour 3 rolled around, I was in awful pain. I was twisted in such a way at one point, that I actually could not breathe well and I began to get dizzy. I felt like was going to pass out, but I had to keep assisting.
At the end of the sedation, I was finally able to get out of the room to get some air. I could barely walk. Every step I took felt like the friction of a bunch of pebbles being ground into the pavement. I had to sneak out through the back of the building because I was hurting so bad. I cried to myself and when I got situated enough to go back inside, no one noticed. No one cared I think.
I had more patients to take and as the day went on, my body protested. My right arm became extremely weak. I kept dropping things and could not even open anything. But I need a paycheck so on and on I went.
When I got in my car I cried, when I got home I cried, and took a long hot shower. I laid flat on my back for an hour. I went to bed early as well. Today, it still hurts but not as bad. My back is sore all over and hurts on my right thoracic when I take a deep breath. Hopefully soon this pain will be a thing of the past.
Today is my son's first day of Kindergarten. I'm pretty sure that I was more nervous about him starting than he was. Walking with him to his classroom was unnerving and exciting. He looked like a deer in headlights when he saw all the other children. He ended up crying when it was time for me to leave and it broke my heart. My little baby boy is growing up. And yes, when I got to my car, I cried.
Today is a landmark for my family. Not only our son is a big man, but today marks an event on our schedule that brings my Spinal Fusion surgery closer. Today was the last of everything we had to take care of before all the preparations and pre-op testing began. So of course, I'm freaking out.
It is amazing how time gets away from us. One day you look around and your child was just born (I can remember it so vividly) and then poof.......he's 5 years old and your leaving him alone with a teacher that you can only hope will take care of him the way you do. Sigh....
I am dreading being wheeled into that operatory. I am dreading kissing my child goodnight the night before. I am dreading the pain afterwards. I guess I am more negative right now because now the clock is ticking louder. I keep trying to see the silver lining, but right now it's not as vibrant as it needs to be.
Today, it hurt to get out of bed. It hurt to walk, sit, or bend. It feels like when you have a really bad case of the flu (because the flu makes your body hurt everywhere) that attacks your back, hips, and shoulders. Just add some stabbing pains with the feeling of fire going through your shoulder and it would be complete.
I hope the surgery stops the pain......
I know it's been a while since I posted anything but it has been a very hectic few days. My birthday is today, my son's birthday party is this Saturday, and I have been getting everything at my job organized before my departure. Ugh...... I'm slightly stressing. I also haven't been doing too great pain level wise, but I keep trucking along. I'm still just taking Tylenol for any pain that is unbearable. So, all the time in other words!
It being my 29th Birthday has got my mind's gears turning. I'm thinking about the Spinal Fusion. I'm nervous, scared, and ready to get it over with. I find myself thinking about all the risks involved and of course, if something bad happens. It's hard not to think about the negative things even though I have been trying to be positive. Regardless of what I'm feeling, the surgery is happening.
Below is a list of risks that I found that may come along with Spinal Fusion surgery from www.spineuniverse.com that is useful to me:
Risks with Surgery
As with any operation, there are risks involved with scoliosis surgery. Your surgeon will discuss potential risks with you before asking you to sign a surgical consent form. Possible complications include, but are not limited to: